Marita’s Blog

The great thing about friends is that they’re compassionately straight with you: they tell you what’s on their mind, while still looking out for you.

The greatest friendships are those where you can be bleeding obvious with each other, even if it stings and even if one person doesn’t want to hear it, out of the other person’s commitment to having their friend’s life work how they know they want it to.

The bleeding obvious is like:
- Spinach between your teeth.
- Tomato sauce on your blouse.
- Sleep in your eyes.
- Chocolate on your cheek.
- Snot on the side of your nose.
The things everyone notices but isn’t game enough to say.

- Prolonged silences.
- White lies.
- Someone saying, “oh yeah. That’s cool.” When they have no idea what you’re talking about.
- Someone saying, “oh, ok.” When they’re not listening to what you’re saying.
- Unanswered questions.
Nuances in speech that can make people feel awkward or uncomfortable.

The best communicators acknowledge what’s going on.

When you have a problem, the best way to solve it is by talking to a friend. They already know you, and so they can hold up a mirror and say, “look what’s really going on. You know what you have to do, so do it.” They help you see the bleeding obvious for yourself.

If a tooth has a cavity, putting plastic on top of the cavity won’t fix the problem. The tooth will continue to ache and rot, and eventually the tooth will die.

To fix a cavity, you have to drill the hole until you’ve broken through all the decay, clean the hole thoroughly and only then fill it with plastic.

If you’re avoiding someone, or making someone wrong, consider that’s a cavity. To repair the relationship, don’t just plaster something nice on top of what’s already there. Get through all the decay and sort through all the guck- how you’ve been being a jerk, how you’ve been making them wrong, the stupid reason you’ve been harbouring about why you did what you did, etc. Be really straight with them, and create the space for a new friendship or the next stage in a friendship, with solid foundations.