Marita’s Blog

When I was growing up, my mother used to always say to me in Cantonese, “people don’t respect you because we’re poor.” Mum worked full-time as a room attendant, is a single mother of two, and I grew up living in housing commission. We were very poor.

This past July, I attended TEDGlobal 2009. It is an invite-only event for people who are up to great stuff around the world. Other attendees at the conference included Gordon Brown, Stephen Fry, Jeff Bezos, Cameron Diaz, Meg Ryan, and millionaires and billionaires from around the world.

At the event however, I mostly spoke to people I’d never heard of, people who didn’t look arrogant, or people who approached me. I didn’t have the courage to approach any of the above mentioned, most of the headlining speakers, or the well-known organisers of the event. I had it that because they were famous and well-known, and I wasn’t, then I wasn’t good enough to talk to them.

Luckily, most of the people there didn’t look arrogant and weren’t famous and well-known to me, so I was able to speak with many people. When I spoke to these people, I could converse freely, joke around, tell them about my projects and ideas and get really engaged with their projects and ideas.

When I spoke to people who I thought were better than me, I just froze up and couldn’t think of anything to say. I wanted to impress them with knowledge about their industry, and I didn’t think that they would be interested in any of the stuff that I was doing, or that any of my opinions about the world were good enough for them to hear. I thought that they were too important to hear from me. So the conversations would start awkwardly (with me praising them) and be awkward (because I couldn’t think of anything else to say), before I shuffled away awkwardly (and relieved!). I had it that my projects weren’t good enough, that I hadn’t proved myself yet (because I wasn’t mega-wealthy), and that hence, I wasn’t good enough. I was comparing myself to them and all their well-publicised successes, and I was failing miserably.

Last night, while I was walking home from a date with my boyfriend, I told him that I had to make lots of money so that the next time I went to TED, I would have the confidence to speak to the rich and famous. He told me I was being ridiculous.

What I became really present to, is that “everyone looks silly sitting on the toilet”, and that even though the rich and famous are indeed rich and famous, they are still human. If people are too arrogant or too important for me, then that’s their problem. Most successful people however, become successful by treating people well. Also, just because someone is rich, doesn’t mean that they are respected; and some of the world’s most respected people, like Nelson Mandela, the Dalai Lama, and the late Mother Theresa, aren’t/weren’t necessarily amazingly wealthy. Lastly, having lots of money isn’t a prerequisite to doing great things in the world. I have the will and ambition to do great things in the world, and so I will find the money to do them.

This is a great victory over the past, as I now know that I won’t be shy to tell anyone - whether the poorest beggar on the street, or the wealthiest men in the world - about myself and my projects. If they can’t respect me for who I am and what I stand for in this world, then it is their problem. I declare that all men and women are equal!

Look at Green Day perform. They exude confidence. They own the stage, and everything they do earns the approval of the audience.

Compare them to some of the entrants in the early stages of an Idol competition. They shuffle around the stage in the hopes of earning brownie points from the judges - hoping that they’ll make it through that round and get a shot at stardom.

The difference?

Green Day have made it. They’ve sold over 65 million records, they’ve been around for over two decades (an indicator of success in itself of a band) and they have an enormous fan base. The Idols don’t have any of that.

But still, the early Idol competitors don’t have to be feet shufflers. They don’t have to awkwardly seek our approval - they don’t have to get anywhere.

They just have to strip away their self-inhibitions, because they too have nothing to prove. The performers who win our hearts aren’t out to prove that they can; they’re out to do great performances.

If your teacher comments on your work and tells you it can be better; it’s not you, it’s your work.

If the person behind the counter snaps at you for asking a simple question; it’s not you, it’s them.

If someone doesn’t want to help out with the fabulous, brilliant project that you have planned; it’s not you, it’s your project.

Don’t take things personally.

Your teacher was probably thrilled that you, their student, had the initiative to create work on your own accord and show it to them. A good teacher will teach you and nurture you to learn and grow to your potential in every field - in academia and as a person. They are not out to make you feel bad about the work you have done.

The person behind the counter probably had things on their mind - maybe their mother is in hospital, or their relationship is falling apart. You don’t know. Sometimes people are grumpy because they want other people to get related to them - for others to know and relate to their pain. Be kind to people, for we all have our worries.

Someone doesn’t want to help with your project? There are over 6 billion people on this planet. Find someone else who does.

Don’t be offended by what people say or how people act. The only person who can make you feel bad or lose your confidence is yourself. Don’t give other people permission.