Marita’s Blog

When I was 17, I came 3rd in an international Japanese speaking contest. However, I don’t do anything about my Japanese studies now. The year prior, I got the highest marks in the state in my grade 7 piano exams. Now, I don’t play piano. During high school, I did 30-40 hours of maths during my school holidays. I finished the KUMON mathematics programme and got the highest mark possible for maths upon graduation (VHA 10. In my two maths subjects, I dropped just half a mark the entire year). I now hardly do any maths.

So, I had it that I was a failure. I had it that I was a quitter. I had it that I was a free-spirit who couldn’t stick through with anything. I had it that I only did stuff so that I could achieve in that area, and that once I had reached a certain level, I would get bored and quit.

If I’d stuck with my Japanese, maybe I could have been a young international diplomat for the government by now? If I’d stuck through with my piano, maybe I could have been a concert pianist by now. In maths? I could have been one of those crazily-young maths geniuses at universities who become tenured by the time they are 25 and spend their life devoted to the art, becoming a historical figure in that field, like Einstein or Newton.

However, while muling over my complete lack of commitment to sticking through with my hobbies, and while thinking about spending my life as Stephen Hawking has, I came to a realisation.

I never wanted to be a young international diplomat for the government. There was so much more I wanted to offer the world than just my language skills. Being a concert pianist didn’t excite me. I wasn’t passionate enough about music to practice for 15 hours a day. And I don’t want to become a professor and spend the rest of my life at university. I want to explore the world. I want to learn as much as I can and give the world as much of me as I can. I want to live life to the fullest.

This conversation came up for me because of programming.

I’m in my third year of a mechatronics engineering/ computer science degree, and passing countless exams and assignments later, I still don’t think I’m very good at programming.

So, over Summer, I plan to do lots and lots and lots and lots and lots (you get the picture) of programming. When I do something, I like to go all the way. I want to be masterful. If I put my mind to something, I can and do achieve it. So, I know that after Summer, I’m going to be awesome at programming.

However, I was scared. I was scared that if I did programming, then I would stop after I thought I had achieved enough to justify that I was good at it. And, as I want to be the CEO of a robotics company, it wouldn’t bode well with me to stop programming when I’d achieved ‘enough’ to prove to others that I was good at something.

But then I realised the difference between programming and all my other activities. Whereas my mum wanted me to be good at Japanese, piano and maths; I really, really, really, really want to learn and be masterful at programming because it fits with my life goals of being a tech entrepreneur. And while I think my mother is amazing for working so hard to provide me with the opportunities to explore and excel in those areas, I know it will make a lot more of a difference if I am empowered to learn for me.

So now, I’m not scared that I’ll get bored of programming once I get good. I’m not scared that I’ll give it up when I’ve achieved ‘enough’. I’m just really looking forward to it, and I cannot wait until my exams end so that I can start programming the things that I want to program.

I’m not a failure or any of those things. I just hadn’t found my passion yet.

So don’t get disheartened if you keep giving up on things. Just keep searching until you find something that truly ignites you, and that you think is worthy of you committing your time to.

When I was growing up, my mother used to always say to me in Cantonese, “people don’t respect you because we’re poor.” Mum worked full-time as a room attendant, is a single mother of two, and I grew up living in housing commission. We were very poor.

This past July, I attended TEDGlobal 2009. It is an invite-only event for people who are up to great stuff around the world. Other attendees at the conference included Gordon Brown, Stephen Fry, Jeff Bezos, Cameron Diaz, Meg Ryan, and millionaires and billionaires from around the world.

At the event however, I mostly spoke to people I’d never heard of, people who didn’t look arrogant, or people who approached me. I didn’t have the courage to approach any of the above mentioned, most of the headlining speakers, or the well-known organisers of the event. I had it that because they were famous and well-known, and I wasn’t, then I wasn’t good enough to talk to them.

Luckily, most of the people there didn’t look arrogant and weren’t famous and well-known to me, so I was able to speak with many people. When I spoke to these people, I could converse freely, joke around, tell them about my projects and ideas and get really engaged with their projects and ideas.

When I spoke to people who I thought were better than me, I just froze up and couldn’t think of anything to say. I wanted to impress them with knowledge about their industry, and I didn’t think that they would be interested in any of the stuff that I was doing, or that any of my opinions about the world were good enough for them to hear. I thought that they were too important to hear from me. So the conversations would start awkwardly (with me praising them) and be awkward (because I couldn’t think of anything else to say), before I shuffled away awkwardly (and relieved!). I had it that my projects weren’t good enough, that I hadn’t proved myself yet (because I wasn’t mega-wealthy), and that hence, I wasn’t good enough. I was comparing myself to them and all their well-publicised successes, and I was failing miserably.

Last night, while I was walking home from a date with my boyfriend, I told him that I had to make lots of money so that the next time I went to TED, I would have the confidence to speak to the rich and famous. He told me I was being ridiculous.

What I became really present to, is that “everyone looks silly sitting on the toilet”, and that even though the rich and famous are indeed rich and famous, they are still human. If people are too arrogant or too important for me, then that’s their problem. Most successful people however, become successful by treating people well. Also, just because someone is rich, doesn’t mean that they are respected; and some of the world’s most respected people, like Nelson Mandela, the Dalai Lama, and the late Mother Theresa, aren’t/weren’t necessarily amazingly wealthy. Lastly, having lots of money isn’t a prerequisite to doing great things in the world. I have the will and ambition to do great things in the world, and so I will find the money to do them.

This is a great victory over the past, as I now know that I won’t be shy to tell anyone - whether the poorest beggar on the street, or the wealthiest men in the world - about myself and my projects. If they can’t respect me for who I am and what I stand for in this world, then it is their problem. I declare that all men and women are equal!